Beautiful Losers

I remember staring into the picture that captivated me. It seemed timeless at a moment. It seemed I was in another dimension that time didn't exist. I was facisnated by the vivid images I saw. The mountains were still, not moving an inch and they seemed to be staring right back at me. The big brown mountains did nothing, not a single thing except look colorful and amazing. The sun was quite something I have never seen before. I usually hate the sun. But Goddam, that day the sun was not doing a single thing but shine it's fluorescent light at the atmospheric sky. It always amazed me how something so beautiful was yet so far away from my grasp. It wasn't depressing or anything of that sort but it was quite interesting. It's like I always wanted to find out more and more. The kid that wants nothing but the whole world on his tiny palm. That's the thing about me, I'm quite depressing at a first glance. Short, messy, rarely smiling and never paying any kind of attention. Wandering off in my own little world, filled with delusions of dreams and ambitions. You see most phonies out there are the ones who show their quote on quote happiness. Enjoying their seize-less moments, creating illusions that their life is great, becoming more and more fake each and every day. So obviously that's what you would think happiness is. I say no. It's just quote on quote fake happiness everyone seems to enjoy. Nobody's truly happy. Either most people are stressed out and worrying about some, quote on quote, important problems in their, quote one quote, important lives or they're just assholes never caring about the meaning of their life. Happiness is something sacred and should be preserved for the ones who actually deserve it. Happiness is somewhere deep down in you, waiting to be free at any given moment. It's a forsaken key to a timeless treasure chest that you've been on the search for your whole life. It's something that you are dying to have once you are so close to its possession. It even drives you crazy and ends you up being more deluded than you were before. Happiness isn't for the phonies out there not caring about their life or anybody's lives. Thinking they're hot new thing around town. Happiness is for the ones who have been broken-down by society and have been driven out of extinction. The melancholic beautiful losers not the phony nerds and sexy beasts. It's meant for the ones with low confidence, low self esteem, and for the ones who truly try in life. Not to the fakes that get handed everything to them. That's how I see it. They don't know true happiness. They only know some demented socialable happiness that it's quite depressing and disgusting. They weren't taught to struggle and they didn't experience any kind of struggles along the way. I may have not struggled as much but I've struggled either way. But I goddam wasn't handed everything to me and I took what I can get. It wasn't much but it's something to grab a firm grip of reality. I saw many people that I love and care about struggle through what we call life. We're the ones who deserve happiness. We are the ones, who in the end, will find peace within our sorrow selves. We are the beautiful losers the rest is industrialized. And the ones manipulating them are the phonies. Holden Caulfield has taught something. Something near-dear to my sorrowful heart, that I will forever keep in my wretched soul. Something that will get out my labyrinth of suffering. To never be fake, never be a phony. Be miserable and feel sorrow for yourself but it will all work out out sooner or later. It isn't justice or the ying-yang where everything is balanced. It's something that we, human beings, can not comprehend since we have natural emotions, desires and greeds. But once we over-look it. We'll be sitting on a surface, watching the sun set or watching the sun rise, and we will be the beautiful losers catching happiness in the rye.

Before I Sleep(Mazzy Star Inspiration)

The shades that hide the truth. They are merely images that obscure reality. Reality is a calamity. It holds no real value unless you make something out of it. So here I lay. With my head upon the ground, staring at this blank world, staring back at me. And I ponder about these so-called "truths". And reasons for my pondering, is that lately I've been up all night. All night thinking of how the world will eventually lead into its own demise. And one day mankind will soon perish underneath a dying light. My eyes get weary and dreamy from staying up all night. It's not like the truth haunts my forever eternity soul or disturbs my ongoing nightmare. It's just what is the purpose of my life is what eventually leads me into a state of numbness. It's not any sorrow or depression that most people would associate my "ill-mind" to. I think it's further above something as simple as that. The complexity of the truth is obscured by human lives. That is why reality is a calamity. Because the lies we tell affect the future in every possible way. We create a butterfly effect within our own world that is a butterfly effect to other worlds. Honestly it's something out of human reach. If religion exists then everything we have been told in the history books are more complex than we think of. If reality is so hard to grasp than it is so simple to let go. But it can be vice-versa and it can intertwine within itself. Life's complex and reality is too. But through all the distortions and colors it sure can be simple as a Polaroid picture.

Optimistic Sorrow

Melancholic happiness

Depressing tragedies

Smoking cigarettes to chill out

Take a breath and relax

Enjoy the surroundings all around you

The buildings are soaring high up in the sky

Enjoy the crunchy brownish leaves and the crisp air all around you

Close your eyes and imagine

Let go of reality and your perception of life 

Surreal yourself into a daze

Think of optimistic visions

Delude yourself into a haze

Your mind is set on something strange

Let go of it

Be peaceful to your mind

Hold yourself tight without your arms

Feel an overbearing feeling touch your heart

Feel the blood running through your veins

Open your mind not your eyes

Envision all your hopes and dreams

Instead of seeing them down the drain

Love them, Live them, Be them

Love yourself and for what you stand for

Be an individual 

Open your eyes

Accept the horrible fate you ignored

Face it with no fear

And battle it with your optimistic fantasies

See who wins

Only you can change your own perception

You're the one with the key

Balance optimism and pessimism 

Balance your mind and soul

Enjoy your life

Accept the sorrow in your heart

And move on

Don't be happy

Stay melancholic

Cause melancholia is the balance and the connection between both feelings

To both perceptions of life Pessimism and Optimism

And you will truly find peace within yourself

And nothing will bother you now

Your future is yours be you no one else

Now

Put that cigarette in your mouth and light it

Exhale and look at the atmospheric sky

Look at the clouds and the sun

And then

Smile with joy

Smile with sorrow 

Smile with happiness

Smile with melancholia

Smile with peace

But just 

Smile

Ambitions

My mind has dark truths hidden between beautiful lies. These things tie my soul into a knot and I being to choke. These dark truths is the noose. And the beautiful lies is my oxygen. And I grasp so damn hard for oxygen. I do not want to be swallowed up by the evidence that my life has left behind. I want to live the optimistic lies I've been fantasizing about ever since I can dream of. But reality is a bitch and it does not let me do that. It shows me that I am wrong in so many ways. That the perfect life I've always wanted is just a delusion of an insane, demented, ill person. I struggle. I keep struggling for oxygen but it soon becomes too much for me too handle. It's nothing that I have imagined. These lies I've been telling for all my life are becoming exaggerated. They distort my well-sense being and I soon become so obsessed in wanting to live out those lies. And then I am dead. The truth has got to me and what hangs is my corpse of lies told by some sad person. A sad person who wanted nothing but everything. Everything is hard to understand. 

90's Nostalgic Feeling

At times my world is crumbling right in front of my eyes. And death passes right through and doesn't even greet me. It seems like even death doesn't want anything to do with me. It's not loninelless that I feel. Neither depression, anxiety or being oh so bipolar. I think I was naturally born with sorrow. Sorrow fueled everything I did. It made me accept that oblivion is inevitable and you should have fun either way. And it made me to be cautious to your surroundings. It's a bittersweet thing, sorrow. I'm not even depressed. It's something more complex than simple feelings of being alone at 3 am in the morning. It's neither good nor bad but natural. Like a moral judgement that you decide to judge. Like cursing. A lot of people think, morally it's wrong to curse. But there are some of the nicest fucking people who curse all the fucking time. It's neutral. And the thing that I feel is neutral. Something like a Ying-yang. It takes me one step back but two step forwards. Happiness isn't what I want to achieve anymore. I don't want to achieve love, fame, or fortuane. I want to be myself and myself is a very complex word for me. But I'm content to say the least. And one day my Ying-Yang will be centered and balanced. Just you wait.