Untitled Chapter

I found myself amazed by how much I love the surroundings of being lost. "Will you ever be able to be happy" she said. "At times I feel a sudden urge of warmness in my heart. But I don't know if that's what being happy is" I tried to explain to the girl who stares blankly at the night sky. I felt this way before. Where have I felt it? When in my disillusioned past have I felt this sudden urge of melancholic peace going straight through my heart? "I believe people just live & die. People believe in an after life cause they're afraid of being forgotten. They want to hopelessly believe there is a heaven cause they don't want to live in a pit of despair, where all the surroundings is black and filled with nothingness" she explains before taking a drag on her cigarette. In between us is the empty space of nothingness that fills the hole we have. "I don't think it'll ever be the same" "Why? Just because she's gone doesn't mean you have to live you're life in despair. Jesus fucking Christ you've been living your entire life in a miserable cell. A cell that you've helped build and help construct if I might add" she exaggeratedly proclaims. "What do you mean. I just never felt truly happy. Like if I was obligated to do something. But all I've done is being a failure." I shout. Taking a drag off the cigarette she looks amazing. She's beautiful in the lime-light of my hopeless gaze. "It's never going be the same." "Bullshit" she screams. As she gets up from the grass she turns to me. In those nanoseconds of turning I catch a glimpse of a girl who lived her life as a total lie. I start to regain memories as we were kids. Swimming in the lake, swinging on the playground swings, stargazing making wishes on falling stars. As she comes towards me, I remember  how we all use to be. Laughing and smiling without a care. That potential love we all had for each other, gone. And at that very moment gazing at her without any conscious I see her wet tears across her perfect face. "Why do you have to be like this Danny? Why do you always fucking bring her back? She's gone okay. Don't try to bring the fondness of our memories into this moment! I can't take it anymore! I hate seeing you like this! It wasn't your fault or anyone's fault. It wasn't even her fucking fault!" Crying, shouting, and emotionally done she sits backs down. "I'm sorry Adrianna" "Sorry? Is that all you're good for? Trying to make people feel better other than yourself. That's the problem here. You don't give two shits about yourself. You fucking deserve better Danny." While she can't control her sadness and despair. Screaming and crying I grab her hand. Her white warm hand pulsating against mine. Her dirty blonde hair that goes far enough to her perfectly round shoulders. To her melting hazel eyes and cherry lips. I imagine my life different if we were closer. And in that moment we sit in silence. Lost, confused and tired we share a comfortable silence that only us would know. Only if she wasn't gone.