Welcome To The NHK

When life seems worthless put someone else down. Look down on them and say "Well atleast I'm not like that person". Well that's what Misaki Nakahara said. But even if she looked down on people she wasn't perfect. Suicides & abusements is what her life had become to. She met Tatsuhiro Satou thinking she can look down on him. A simple shut-in who dropped out of college and has social anxiety. She looked at herself and said "Well atleast I'm not him". But she knew she had much much more pain than he has ever endured. Sato being a worthless hikkikomori decided life isn't worth living. But she saves him because she loved him. And in the end he does the same thing. Right before the cliff jump he saves her. Fire & Fire match. A perfect couple. Suicidal/Homicidal, Egotistical/Vain, Asshole/Bitch those are perfect matched couples. Something I'll always want and will always dream for.

Dazing, Gazing, Changing Life

Dazing into the hazing sunshine 

Gazing into the fading clouds

Watching the night sky

Looking at it when you're so high

Tripping you out

Leaving you down

Your caught in-between a dream

That you might never see

Staring Blankly Into Another Dimension

Sitting in this empty class

There's faces & walls of glass

My eyes stare at my own reflection

Past thoughts reflected on the glass

Last daze before my ass falls to sleep

I sit wondering what will I do with my life

Fuck the teachers and all the schools rights

My dreary mind has been up since last night

Dazing about the future

Gazing out the windows

Lasting my dreamy-gaze

I pass out with no intention to wake up

Please don't disturb my soothing dreams

I have awaken my subconscious

Or that's what it seems

Old tragic love

I used to like you for who you are

But you've became something that wasn't meant to be you

Your flaws

I loved them

Your imperfections

I admired them

Your mistakes

I understood them

Your past

I knew it

But you've changed 

And not for the better if I may add

How come someone with so much beautiful tragedies 

End up with someone who has it all

I thought we were meant to be together

We shared everything 

Our smoothies

Our milkshakes

Our blankets

Our fears

Our mistakes

Our past

Our love

But you wanted someone who didn't reflect on your past

Like myself

I'm only guessing

But like you once told me

"Better to try & guess than do nothing about it"

In the end you were a mere association of my affliction

Do I want anybody else

Fuck no

Should I see someone else

Maybe so

But you 

Girl with your beautiful deformed personality

Has alternated my short life

And I will never forget you

Girl with the scars & all your im perfected parts

I love you

Pathological Liar

My own delusions are what they are

Lies told from a different perspective

Lies told from a different person

I dissociate from the truth

I won't ever believe the tragic truth

Cause I am scared

Scared of being rejected

Being hurt

Being embarrassed 

By & from the truth

In my mind I fight a war

And when I lose a battle

I lose my reason & sanity

Because I desperately believe in my own delusions

Cause I cannot confront myself 

I cannot confront the truth that lies beneath these deep compulsive lies

Maybe some mental illness I may have

Or maybe I'm just a sociopath 

Maybe I have no where else to run 

Maybe my sanctuary are the fairy-tales I created in my mind

To hide away all the tragedy left behind

My lies is my story

Oh trust me 

It'll never get boring

Broken Childhood

All I wanted was a normal family

But we're a bunch of stereotypical fuck ups

All I wanted was a dinner table

But we all eat in separate rooms with nothing to do

All I wanted was some family trips

But all we do is drive to the supermarket and buy cheap produce

All I wanted was someone to say they love me

But all I got was a couple of shouts and slaps

All I wanted was to see everybody happy

But all I saw was forceful fake smiles

All I wanted was a normal family

But we're a fucked up dysfunctional group of sociopaths & psychopaths 

Post-Dreaming of Us

Back in my mind 

Is a thought of you and I 

Hidden between these lies

Is a love that can't be right

All these restless nights

Is keeping me away from life

I feel nothing 

But I feel everything

This feeling caught in-between my heart

Is a star shining feelings of art

You paint the pictures of my mind

You splatter paint in my delusions of you and I 

You stroke your brush in my dreams where they're all about you and I

So why?

Why won't you be mine?

Dissociatives

Distorted City Lights

Oblivious Nights

Dreams of sounds

Think of clouds

Delusional reality

Optimistic Tragedy 

Falling For You

It's beautiful 

You're amazing

Looks wonderful

Pretty gazing

Staring into your eyes

It's like the sun rise

No sun sets

It's painless

Your lips

They lisp

Your heart

It beats to the rhythm of love

Your soul

It has no hole

Yourself

Myself

The World 

The Universe

All but one single common thing

L

O

V

E

Soulless Monsters

Life is always difficult you know. How can you live your life without any complications and any problems? Wouldn't that be just a bland mundane life? What's the whole point of living if every second you spend on Earth is the same old boring fucking routine you have planned. Don't you want some sort of dramatic events in your life? Maybe a fucked up relationship or a tragic ending or even a family full of problems. The second that you break out of your mundane life is the second you start to realize how much this world has to offer. The good and the bad. Life's a fucking gray area. Not all things are cynical and pessimistic as you think it is. But not all things are optimistic. Like  what Chinese Philosophers believe in. The Ying-Yang. There is somewhat a good in the bad. And there is somewhat a bad in the good. Equivalency. But that doesn't make the world spin around and around the sun. Not all things are equal. If humans are just chemicals and substances why do we feel and why do we think? If we can build a human with just purely of chemicals, bones, organs, muscles and skin wouldn't that just make him a soulless human being? Without are soul, our spirit, our personalities what are we? We're just soulless monsters. Life without excitement and variety is just soulless. Without that all we are is just soulless monsters lost in limbo. 

Limbo

You walk around in a delirious state of mind. Distorted faces you see and feedback of noises you hear. The whole world stops for a second and you can feel this strange aurora. A strange atmosphere you haven't felt before. You've become intrigued by it but you fear you might lose your senses. In this second time seems like a slow molasses drowning you bit by bit. Your sense of sight is distorted. The walls begin to fade in and out. Colors transpiring into one another. Shapes blissfully morphing onto each other. Your sense of hearing is drowned by amounts of waves. The feedback of the world sounds like a blissful splash in a lake.  The moving cars is a quiet migration of birds migrating to their next home. Your sense of touch is atmospheric. You can feel the gentle air all around you. Your body begins to feel immortal and weightless. You touch your fingers but all you can feel is the empty spaces they leave in between each crease. And all this variety of a new feeling collapses you. And after that second you wake up from the limbo you just had. And everything seems normal. The smoggy musty city air is in your lungs. The honks of road rage drivers, the guy babbling about the party he came from, the child that keeps asking for a brand new toy and a couple talking about what positions they should try next. That all fills your ears that transpires into your brain and into the message you're hearing. But that blissful moment of limbo. It will never be the same. Yet you'll keep searching.

Death by love

One kid

One lighter

One cigarette 

One inhale 

One exhale

Drags

Laughs

Sighs

Fights

Dies 

Untitled Chapter

I found myself amazed by how much I love the surroundings of being lost. "Will you ever be able to be happy" she said. "At times I feel a sudden urge of warmness in my heart. But I don't know if that's what being happy is" I tried to explain to the girl who stares blankly at the night sky. I felt this way before. Where have I felt it? When in my disillusioned past have I felt this sudden urge of melancholic peace going straight through my heart? "I believe people just live & die. People believe in an after life cause they're afraid of being forgotten. They want to hopelessly believe there is a heaven cause they don't want to live in a pit of despair, where all the surroundings is black and filled with nothingness" she explains before taking a drag on her cigarette. In between us is the empty space of nothingness that fills the hole we have. "I don't think it'll ever be the same" "Why? Just because she's gone doesn't mean you have to live you're life in despair. Jesus fucking Christ you've been living your entire life in a miserable cell. A cell that you've helped build and help construct if I might add" she exaggeratedly proclaims. "What do you mean. I just never felt truly happy. Like if I was obligated to do something. But all I've done is being a failure." I shout. Taking a drag off the cigarette she looks amazing. She's beautiful in the lime-light of my hopeless gaze. "It's never going be the same." "Bullshit" she screams. As she gets up from the grass she turns to me. In those nanoseconds of turning I catch a glimpse of a girl who lived her life as a total lie. I start to regain memories as we were kids. Swimming in the lake, swinging on the playground swings, stargazing making wishes on falling stars. As she comes towards me, I remember  how we all use to be. Laughing and smiling without a care. That potential love we all had for each other, gone. And at that very moment gazing at her without any conscious I see her wet tears across her perfect face. "Why do you have to be like this Danny? Why do you always fucking bring her back? She's gone okay. Don't try to bring the fondness of our memories into this moment! I can't take it anymore! I hate seeing you like this! It wasn't your fault or anyone's fault. It wasn't even her fucking fault!" Crying, shouting, and emotionally done she sits backs down. "I'm sorry Adrianna" "Sorry? Is that all you're good for? Trying to make people feel better other than yourself. That's the problem here. You don't give two shits about yourself. You fucking deserve better Danny." While she can't control her sadness and despair. Screaming and crying I grab her hand. Her white warm hand pulsating against mine. Her dirty blonde hair that goes far enough to her perfectly round shoulders. To her melting hazel eyes and cherry lips. I imagine my life different if we were closer. And in that moment we sit in silence. Lost, confused and tired we share a comfortable silence that only us would know. Only if she wasn't gone.

Oblivion

I wake up from my disillusioned delusion

Waking up in the hazy sunshine 

It's a pretty daze 

The faze of my dreams

Isn't anything to be seen

Today won't start again

Took some painkillers 

My hearts not in the filler 

All the time I searched for a cause

But it was only a waste of time

Life doesn't have anything to do with it

Oblivion couldn't even make it

Delusions of my past

It's all a little too fast

Search for a cure

Find a better word

Hope to die

Don't even lie

Last Moment

I stare into her eyes

Void of emotions

She stares into my eyes

Void of pain

Emotionless 

Painless

I embrace her lingering presence

She hugs my soulless apparatus

I whisper

She listens

She whispers

I understand

She puts a gentle smile

I put a drowning smirk

Tears run down her face

My heart falls to my toes

She leaves

I leave

We both show emotion

For the last time

We both share pain

For the last time

We experience life

For the last time 

Delusional State of Mind

Laying on my back as I try to imagine the world without fusion

The weight of the world drags me down and puts me into confusion

As you can see the whole world is just an illusion 

This illusion of confusion is what makes the fusion state of numbness

Endless painless pain lingers in the sourness of life

God forgive the night

May you bless the right

Don't perish the wrong

As they can fall

They can still crawl

They'll get back up

And they'll try again

Again

Again